Bert is Evil!:

Interview with Elmo Monster

The following is an interview with Elmo, the cutest alleged heroin and cocaine addict. Some scenes deemed too explicit by the editor have been cut out, but it still remains very graphic. Reader's discretion is advised.
This interview was sent in by some guy named Azazael and was reformatted by Snicker Furfoot, Esq .

Interviewer: So Elmo, how long have you lived on Sesame Street?

Elmo: Elmo guess it's been about 8 years now. Elmo the newest one here.

Interviewer: What was it like when you first moved here?

Elmo: Oh, it was really nice! Everyone was so nice to Elmo! It was like a dream! Then Elmo met Bert...

Interviewer: Yes?

Elmo: yes.

Interviewer: Um, yeah?

Elmo: Uh, huh.

Interviewer: What happened when you met Bert?

Elmo: Oh, sorry. Elmo been having trouble staying focused lately (this was later attributed to Elmo's drug abuse) Well, everyone has been telling Elmo to stay away from Bert. Elmo thought they were kidding. But--

Interviewer: They weren't.

Elmo: Not at all! When Elmo first met Bert, Bert pretended to be Elmo's friend. Bert showed Elmo around. Then Bert started to do mean things.

Interviewer: Like what?

Elmo: One thing Bert liked to do was make "special cookies" for Cookie Monster. Cookie ate one during a taping, Cookie's his eyes got all googly and Cookie went berserk, shoving cookies into Cookie's mouth. Bert laughed the whole time. Bert said Bert did it a lot.

Interviewer: That's horrible! What did you do?

Elmo: Nothing really. Elmo just thought it was a dumb joke. Then came the party.

Interviewer: Party?

Elmo: Yes, Elmo's welcoming party. Bert started drinking and Bert ----cut----

Interviewer: Dear God!!

Elmo: Yeah. Right there in front of everybody. After that, Elmo tried to stay away from Bert.

Interviewer: Did it work?

Elmo: Not really. For a month or so Bert still pestered Elmo to help Bert in Bert's pranks. One time Bert dragged Elmo along and told Forgetful Jones that Clamentine [his wife] had died. It was awful. Poor Mr. Jones was in tears. After about five minutes, Mr. Jones would forget and Bert would do it again. This went on for hours.

Interviewer: So what finally happened?

Elmo: Elmo told Bert Elmo didnt want to be Bert's friend anymore. Bert stayed pretty calm, looked Elmo right in the eye and said "----cut----" Elmo was so scared...

[Elmo broke down into tears - too shaken to speak further]
Interviewer: Elmo, you're a very brave little muppet for doing this interview. I wish you luck.

For some reason, this interview never made it to the papers. I attempted to track down the interviewer to ask him why, only to discover that he'd vanished a mere three days after the interview took place. Coincidence? Maybe.

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