Bert is Evil!:
Interview with best buddy Ernie
The following is an interview with Ernie, best friend, roommate and
confidant to Bert. Some scenes deemed explicit by the editor have been
cut out, but still remains graphic. Reader's discretion is again stressed.
long have you known Bert?
Ernie: Oh, over 20 years now.
Interviewer: have you always lived together?
Ernie: Yes, for as long as I remember.
Interviewer: How has it been living
Ernie: It has been really difficult.
Interviewer: Difficult? Can you elaborate.
Ernie:Well you see... um.. Bert
is kinda has a dual personality... during the show, he's a pushover
and very geeky. But when the camera stops rolling he becomes a raging
Interviewer:Maniac.. how do you mean?
Ernie: Well he hurts me and stuff.
Interviewer: Why do you still live with
Ernie: He says if I leave the apartment
he'll kill me and Rubber Duckie.
Interviewer: He can't possibly be serious.
Ernie: He is, he is very capable
of this. Once, me and Duckie tried to escape... He almost strangled
me to death.
Interviewer: Why does he force you to
Ernie: I think he needs company,
you know when he overdoses and stuff, also he likes to touch me.
Interviewer: Here, here, please stop
crying. (pause) Are you okay now?
Ernie: (sniff) Yes, please continue.
Interviewer: You mentioned overdosing...
overdosing on what?
Ernie: Bert experiments with all
kinds of stuff, L.S.D., Speed, Ecstasy, Heroin, Cocaine, Cannabis...
he taught me all the names... I hate him most when he is high.
Ernie: It's when he's high when
he makes me do stuff.
Interviewer: What kind of stuff?
Ernie: He makes me go to the Pigeon
shed and ------CUT------
Ernie: Please I cannot talk anymore... I gotto go.
The Interview ended abruptly with Ernie
hysterically shaking and in tears.... We persued no longer, this
soul was already in too much pain.